When's the last time I was up for posting twice in two days? Anywho...

Cut my hair off today, feels so much cooler. I should cut it more often, but I opt for the "Does it stick up when I wake up?" test -- if I have to comb it, it's time to cut it. ( This gets longer than I thought it would. The entry, not my hair. )

All that to say I cut my hair. Anywho, got that done outside, came in to take a shower, and plopped my clothes down beside ( now I'm just building suspense... )

So Thanksgiving started at 5:30am for me, not because we were making anything complicated (green bean casserole) but because I was picking up Pattie from work and going to mom's to help with the meal there.

Before I go any further, let me say that you should never follow the Green Bean Casserole recipe on the LCoFFO (Lying Can of French Fried Onions). Do not add milk.

Technically, Thursday started around 4:30am, I completely forgot until just now that I had one of Pattie's dreams. For whatever reason, I teamed up with my cousin Tasha and her husband -- except it wasn't the guy she's married to IRL -- to steal soft pretzels from an elementary school set up exactly like the hotel we stayed at in Ft. Wayne in September. They were in another part of the building shooting, so I tried to sneak out with my bounty. I did a double-take at the cop by the exit -- because I wasn't expecting a cop to be there. The fact that this cop was Arnold Schwarzenegger seemed completely normal. Anywho, I acted as calm as possible as I passed by him with my handful of soft pretzels, but he'd seen my double-take and questioned me in the parking lot. The truth must have came out, because next thing I knew I was wandering aimless and depressed around the Celina Walmart trying to figure out how I'd tell Pattie that I was going away. Then I woke up.

So. Got back up at 5:30, got my shower, cleaned out the crockpot (we were going to do the casserole in mom's oven, but then she decided to do the turkey in the oven instead of the NuWave), and got on my way. Picked Pattie up, got almost all the way to mom's house, then just inside the tiny village of Allentown we saw something you just don't see in these parts.



Yes, that's four turkeys in the middle of the road. On Thanksgiving. What are the odds? So Pattie took pictures on the phone, we went around them -- they weren't moving for anything -- and got to mom's house.

Ahh, Thanksgiving at mom's house. A holiday just wouldn't be a holiday without her and my sister Christy at each other's throats much of the day. Chris had decided to do most of the cooking herself, which is good and well except for two things: she's inexperienced at cooking large meals and unfamiliar foods, and my mom's side of the family doesn't believe in trivial things like recipes and measurements. So Christy would ask yet another question, mom would give a huffy answer, and Christy would get pissed about it, leaving mom even more exasperated for the next question.

And that's not even the reason mom wants to go out to eat next year. I'm still trying to figure out WTF they spent $150 on, 'cause there were five people and not that many leftovers.

After everything was cooked things settled down. Mom and Pattie took a nap, and I vegetated drowsily while Chris played euchre on Yahoo. Eventually I got the bright idea to pop a couple of Christy's Hydroxycut pills, which are basically 150% caffeine.

Now that I'm thinking about it, they might just work too. I didn't eat near as much at breakfast this morning as I normally do.

But that's not why I took them. 150% caffeine woke me up for the rest of the night, most of which was spent playing Electronic Monopoly Here and Now. Which Christy won.

We saw no turkeys on the way home.

Sometimes I wish I were a fly on the wall. Then I remember they eat their own vomit, and wish I had a hidden camera instead.

The background: My mother is a widow, dad died in 1990. His birthday was Sept. 4, so this time of year is hard on mom anyways.

Not even two years ago, her cousin Becky died, leaving her husband Claude behind.

The setup: On Saturday, my aunt Joan (mom's sister) died. Mom's the youngest of eight that lived to adulthood, and Joan was 21 years older and in deteriorating health, so it wasn't a surprise.

The bomb: Today at the funeral, my mom walks up to a mixed group, whereupon her sister-in-law (Do I have to call her my aunt?) says "Hey, you're single!"

Mom groans and says "Why, who are you thinking of setting me up with?"

"Claude."

Allow me to remind the audience that we do not, in fact, live in Kentucky.

Mom's response: "But that's Becky's husband!"

"Yeah, but he's single now."

Apparently the Bible was also pressed into service -- and even that's a botch-job, I've seen the verse in question and it refers to the brother-in-law taking in the widow, not the cousin-in-law. Not to mention it's sandwiched somewhere in between "God hates fags," "God hates shrimp," "Sacrificing a bull makes a pleasing odor unto the Lord," "Make sure you're the right distance from the city walls before digging a hole for your excrement," and "If two men are fighting, and the wife of one grabs the other's testicles, you are to cut off her hand" in the wide world of "outdated stuff no Christian should take as part of the new agreement with God." The woman did Jerry Falwell proud today.

Some of my favorite sayings to commemorate my opinion of the woman:

"Did her parents have any children that lived?"
"She's one shy of a six-pack."
"The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead."

E-mail from my mother:

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You Got Served!

[insert stupid dancing baby graphic here]

You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life if you break this chain u will be cursed for the next 10yrs. Send this to 10people in 15min
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My reply:

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You knew darn well I'd break this, meaning you intentionally wanted me cursed. Why do you hate me?

:'(
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Heh heh, maybe this time she'll take the hint.

...nah.